Stream of Consciousness #0008: underachieving

Even in my dreams—during the times of peace, of unconscious revery—i find myself berating my self, left with remnants once awake.

The unconscious finds a way to highlight the conscious mistakes, missteps and mishaps it feels occur on a basis, if not daily, then still way too often. Waking up in a state of anger, or with vexation and annoyance, or with any tidbit of beguiling angst because of visions and memories elusive, are not choice ways to begin one’s day.

However, thinking about it rationally, or maybe logically is the better use of diction, it is a good thing—an omen that i must change things. And, usually i do, now that i look at history of self. When i am angry at my self, i make changes.

See, i cringe at the thought of disappointment. I do not, have not ever, want to disappoint anyone: not myself, not my parents, not “superiors” or supervisors, not my brother, nor my teammates. No person. There exists a constant angst, possibly a fear, that i’m doing something “wrong.” I tend to apologize a lot.

Considering myself a fuck up, or using the words i used in high school to describe my sophomore or junior self to the college guidance counselor, “under-achiever,” always galvanizes me in my life attempts at reaching the various thresholds i’ve set aim upon. I can laugh at it now, the whole being in this lady’s office and explaining to her quite frankly that i underachieved sophomore year because i didn’t care anymore; but it’s not really that funny, since i know i can do better. I just need the motivation.

Not much motivates me—besides the prospect, the underlying thought that others believe i’ve disappointed them, that i’ve done something (continuously) wrong. I want to rectify it—or, really, i believe i should be given explicit directions, some type of goal or outline so i know i’m on the correct path—or something to that end.

When i told that lady that i stopped caring, it was the truth. After my A’s/90s marks throughout elementary and junior high schools, i arrived at a top-tier high school, in one of the “gifted” programs, only to see a plethora of other students whom i knew weren’t as intelligent or smart as me, who definitely didn’t achieve the same standardized test scores nor the grades, in the the same school.

I realized then and there that our academic system was a farce of itself: that busting ass didn’t get most people much farther in life, but being at the right place at the right time, or knowing the right people would guarantee such. The masses would be lumped together with everyone. Money went a long way, too.

I soon figured out that doing what i wanted with my time regarding studies, or my reading and whatever else would be a better means of having a fulfilling life than just sticking to the script. It worked—for the most part, but it had it’s issues, too. I realized that throughout life i and others would continue to be lumped in with everyone else–with the masses. I wasn’t intellectually elevated enough to have only classes with the smartest of the bunches as i was in JHS, and i definitely wouldn’t go to an Ivy League school because of my poor grades in my sophmore year, which i elevated during junior and senior years. It was too late. Even in college, during my computer science and English classes, the curriculum was a joke and the students weren’t too astute regarding either subject. They didn’t care either, really, for whatever reasons.

It was a marathon to mediocrity i couldn’t be a part of any longer. Just like any- and everything else in this world, all is relative. Before writing this, i believed that i needed to continually be angry at myself to spur my energies or change. However, after the past few weeks, i’ve been learning or, really, thinking differently. I don’t need to exactly be angry; but i need more constant and trusted support. Daily does she give me (unknown) support. It can be direct or residual, but it just helps.

Understanding that support from peers, that having a group of positive minded friends and family, or even just acquaintances with like-minded goals and pastimes, seems to be a boon. I’ll just have to keep monitoring this.