Coinciding with a recent discontinuation of intimacy, i’ve been embracing and uncovering the need for close friends.
A great convo the last week w/ my good, good friend @StephSwinton (kickass birthday gathering!), nudged me through the blogging door for this post.
During our exchange, i remarked to her my realization that friends aren’t a bad thing. That opening up is something i’ve needed to learn to do. True opening up. Not the mirage i’ve done for years. The tactics i’ve employed have been impressive. I know how to give enough to get a lot from others. I exude confidence, an air, that everything is always wonderful. And, it’s never that way, totally.
It’s not a total ruse, however. Don’t want to mislead. I don’t lie (usually lol). I just know how to placate people’s interest, to give just enough to keep people in tune w/ the radio show of macario.james. But, i rarely delve into anything more than 4 feet of the soul ocean. I can’t swim, so that’s fitting, actually. Poetic even, i’d say. Ha.
If you’ve read some posts, you know how i feel about dependence—independence is my modus operandi. Sure, i prefer people to cook me food (convenience) or drive me places (public transportation), but it’s all through an exchange of medium—gotta love the bartering system we employ; the monetary construct is a wondrous thing.
I don’t do well w/ the attachment, w/ the “i miss you” facet of life. I’ve alluded to it in past posts, but a lot stems from childhood (yay to psychology! lol) and learning to cope w/ the absence of loved ones; i don’t let myself become vitally attached to anyone or anything out of personal protection. I don’t want to be hurt (not that anyone does, well, besides masochists lol). It can and will be seen as a life lacking much substance or “true,” deep relationships, but it has worked for me. Everything is relative and on an individual, personal basis, of course.
Within the past, maybe, month i’ve been learning to understand what it means to be open w/ people on an intimate, platonic level. To expose myself. To self-striate. To show wounds. To be available for latching on. It’s been a long, hard fought war for most of my life. I’ve been stunted emotionally for years; it’s been the onus of several failed relationships: i’ve been misguided at times and not straightforwardly communicable.
It takes hardship, unfortunately, to embrace change—a veritable kickstarter to what’s necessary. I’m proud of myself to be able to say that i love my friends, and i want to continue to rely on them for things in my life. I’m learning to be transparent and open—attributes i applaud and love in others (see: Nikki Giovanni and Ev’Yan).
I realized more how much being close to people is important when earlier this week i saw my little brother for the first time in about a month at his job. He’s going to be 23 come May—i remember taking him out for his 21st; we had a smashing good time (yes, i love British vernacular in case you’ve’nt (i made that up lol) noticed lol, as well as orthography).
Even my own chapter bros. (@KrownRoyaleNY and @DeuceCameo), w/ whom i’ve spent the greatest amount of time over the years, heck, we lived together for about four months back in ’07, don’t know all the intricacies of me. Everyone knows that things i do or the way i am is “just Mac” or that i’m “crazy” (which, coincidentally, i have tattooed on my neck lol).
Over the past year or so, my dude @Nigelb2 has become one of my best friends; i’m Obi-Wan, he’s Anakin lol. I’ve gotten closer to The Goose! (@Japanesegoose) in recent months, too. Combined, we’ve formed a quasi triumvirate of debauchery, life experience insightfulness and kickassness. I’m looking forward to our clique’s still-in-the-works Japan trip come December. We out! We’re gonna definitely “do it live!” Lol.
The random, impromptu dialectic The Goose, a freshman female student, and i had a couple of days ago regarding marriage, name-taking, eternal monogamy, and mortality was interesting (my favorite word, ever) and full of unique perspectives.
I’ve continued to build a relationship w/ my homegirls @Mikaflyymommy (one of my best, best friends; always holds me down and is there for me to vent or just be a living chronicle of my exploits) and @Wittykitty5, who i’ve known for about seven years, but in the past three or so years, we’ve definitely grown as friends.
The inner sanctums of my mind and heart, as well as my domestic abode, have always been off-limits, open to only a select few (save for a party regarding the latter). It’s weird to have people at my house. Since a kid, rarely did my friends come over—i always ventured to theirs. Not too sure what it is, but i have a sinking feeling that it has something to do with the Zodiac affect: i am a Cancer w/ protean Gemini traits (i’m on the arbitrary cusp), so the home-based Crab is tormented and put into a tizzy by the dueling, mischievous, mercurial Twins.
With that said, my boy @Pino44 came by the crib to discuss redesigning his blog. He’s a zany autodidactic proponent, too, who put me on to this insightful and awesome book, Secrets of a Buccaneer Scholar. After our road trip to Arizona w/ @ChadJMarchong in ’07, we haven’t really chilled or anything, but we’re working on that. One of my ancestral homelands, The Philippines, i’ll finally visit next February w/ Pino, whose going on his annual jaunt and invited me. We out!
Last week, The Goose along w/ his boy, after we were hit with a “there’s a party on Bedford” swindle, also came by. Everyone seems to be in agreement that i have a “nice” pad, even if i just see it as a small basement apartment lol. The showing of my crib is like a reading of my poetry or other writings: i’m apprehensive until it’s done, well, unless i receive negative feedback lol, then i may not be so open. That’s w/ everyone, though.
I’m probably afraid on some level of having the internal made known, peering past the external hubris, not having the luxury of my chosen words to deflect: everything in my house is there on display. Maybe, i fear others to know my greatness. Lol. Can’t bring them to the Bat Cave. Who knows. ::shrugs::.
Now that the baby steps have been taken, the next step is to act on a the suggestion by Nigel”s girlfriend for me to host some future pre-gaming festivities. I’m down, although there’s only a room w/ a computer chair and a bean bag lol. It’ll have to be BYOBAC (bring your own beer and chair) lol.
I must embrace the only true absolutism: change. Nothing remains the same forever, and it’s either be organic or dynamic, and never staid or static.
When i can’t figure out what to write next or how to arrange words, it’s usually a sure sign i should end a post. Verbose drivel should be cut short (but, then it wouldn’t be verbose lol).
So, yeah, w/ that said, i think i’m out.
Thanks for reading. I truly appreciate it.
Enjoy the weekend.
P.S. Oh, and you might have noticed the use of “w/” and “w/o” and other shortened words; it’s what i use in my poetry, so i believe it’s only write (intentional lol) i do it here, too.